it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
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I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
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Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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