i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
