Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
