My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
