i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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