My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
