He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
