now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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