I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
