Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
someone owes me an orgasm
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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