The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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