cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
