The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
