I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My balls are so social today.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I FOUND THE LEGS
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
