I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
