did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
