I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
