Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
there is glitter all over my balls
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
