He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
