How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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