I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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