I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
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There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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