My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
