Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
