All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Never let your siblings swipe right.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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