remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
