dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
