Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
