Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Randomize
