Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.