we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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