hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.