turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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