I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
