I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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