the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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