Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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