Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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