Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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