if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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