Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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