I puked a lego.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
