apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
