watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
