Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
even my farts smell like vagina
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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