I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
