If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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