Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Randomize
