Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
