Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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