its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
