New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
