No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
