Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
