I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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