I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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